yearly midnight pause

If we believe this life is determined by the journey and not the destination then isn't it reasonable to think that we can travel for years and end up where we began?

So yes, I'm living with my GF. Yes, I'm working full-time. Yes I'm always sleep-deprived. Lastly yes, things can't be perfect. It's hard to say what's happened over the last 370 days without it losing what it was; labels are libel to the truth. I've had students from jail, students die, students get better, students become delinquents, delinquents become students, heavily medicates students, etc. I've started living with a woman for the first time in almost a decade. I've lost hair and gained weight. I've lost and gained muscle. I've moved multiple times and been out of continent. I've had friends get married and called commitment the c-word. I've yearned to be elsewhere and been very lucky exactly where I stand.

In fact, I've lost and gained so much over the past year that even if a ledger might read positively, my compass stays spinning. Every routine I created has subsequently been upended (for better or worse but not till death).

Freedom 35 is still a good plan but now it comes with an asterisk (i.e. freedom 35*).

I guess my being, metaphysically, carries an asterisk of existential proportions.

a long time coming. . .

it has been a virtual eternity since i last blogged and really i think that is because i've just had so much else to do. i've found a decent teaching job (it'd be good if it gave me more hours), i'm maintaining my outdoor work (for better or worse), co-drive a zamboni (yes, i can can say that i ride the boni weekly), managed a move, have a happy girlfriend and am in general on some sort of a norm-inspired path.
it's odd to think that everything seems to be working right now; it hasn't been this way ever. it's allowed me to reflect and i've come to a few conclusions:
1- school/being a student isn't/wasn't a good thing for me. it wasn't motivating and whatever it demanded detracted from the means by which i derive most of my daily pleasure- work. i'm glad i'm working as a teacher because although many say it, most don't believe that school isn't for everyone. i really believe it and it is genuine when i utter that beaten cliche.
2- soon i'll find time to work through my writings. it has been itching for the past few months and i suppose when time frees up i'll dedicate myself to scratching. in a way it's like the gym. . . when you feel the itch, either cleanse yourself or do it.
3- cutting people out of your life is necessary. when things start to count, you have to make decisions. those that annoy or otherwise upset you are sometimes best left alone. that isn' to say that you give up or abandon others but rather that you make decisions about the depth of involvement and about potential repercussions.

taking a moment to catch my breath

the saga continues; i'm still running myself ragged, working too many hours, lucky to get 1 day off/week, sleeping 5 hours a night and (of course) smiling. this morning was no different except that i listened to my GF. . . she told me not to rush, to do what i needed to do, to relax a bit and then we could pursue our plans for the day. it's advice i'm listening to right now; i'm blogging (largely) antiquestrian issues.

she surprised me the other day with the above-mentioned label (despite my belief that even if the label of GF wasn't present that she was, de facto, my GF) and it made me smile. it's been some time since i've been content to have a GF (she is wonderful; her levelheadedness, thoughtfulness and understanding are truly nice. . . and her body. . . come on, i'm a guy). she really separates herself from people in my past because she is very communicative, open, respectful (and respectable) and considerate. she really treats me as an equal and respects that although i want her to be my #1 priority sometimes life gets in the way.

yesterday i was in the school office where i teach when one administrator who i thought disliked me changed my mind on that. . . she said something i've heard from other staff there in relation to m course and my methods: "we should all learn [from your course] not to underestimate our students."

it's remarkably satisfying to know that you're doing something people doubted was possible and even more rewarding to see that you're doing it successfully to a receptive audience. when those who intially were skeptical give kudos, well, that's just the lactose-free cream on top.

july 13-20th

i've had the longest and best week of the summer these past 7 days. sunday - sunday was gonna probably be the best week of summer. . . if i reflect on it come october.
everything came together. 1 work wasn't too tough which was lucky since i haven't slept enough at all this past week. my coworkers and i get along fabulously. one seems like it could be a lasting friendship. . . it reminds me that i have great friends (past friday among other times). the other job peaked; seeing 25+ students engaged personally in the content of my(custom-made)course is about as good a moment as i can expect.

i've started seeing someone this past week and she seems lovely.



it's good to take account of what has transpired sometimes. it's good to mark and remember the above such little windows, good to give yourself personal points of reference.

Honesty and a good listener. . .

This summer has been busy. I'm working two full-time jobs and trying to maintain some semblance of a social life. The other week, after feeling exhausted, I motivated myself to go to a party for one of my sister's friends. I went there to mix things up, meet different people and maybe find someone interesting.
The crowd - mostly older - was good for me. I didn't have to hide intelligence, didn't feel the hollow confines of early 20-something socialization and could be myself. It's nice; I'm not huge into going out (although I do it) because I really dislike the image saturation of youth culture but at this party most of the guests saw through it. It led to relaxed, friendly and nonjudgmental conversation. It's amazing: those indoctrinated into youth's social codes (via mass media) are horribly prejudiced against people that don't see things their way and often speak out against such individuals (i.e. me) from some perceived threat to their own authenticity. So much for free speech, a liberal, open public forum and equality. . .
This party didn't have that issue and therefore meant I could relax and not have to mind myself.

So unassumingly I met an interesting woman. I've since spent time talking to her (legitimately good; she asks good questions, listens well, communicates openly and is honest) and going out with her (she's a little reserved but nonjudgmental and fun-loving). From what I see, she's both good for me and a good fit. I won't get ahead of myself or the situation but i can't deny it has promise.

It has been refreshing to find someone like her because she appears to be both emotionally and geographically available. Throw in mutual interest, a cute face, a healthy respect and an attractive body and I just might have met someone with potential to break my personal streak.

fate in the sack

well,
if you've ever wondered whether fate tests you i'd like to affirm: YES.
So we should all know by now that i've got a thing for emotionally-unavailable girls. I'm just attracted to them long before i learn they're unavailable. . . it's like a skill of mine, a really bad one (unless I totally disregard attraction. . . and that didn't work out too well for me a few weeks ago. . .). But i'm proud to say the skill is developing to include geographically-unavailable too; i met what seems like a nice girl and we're getting along pretty well (in fact sis even thought it might have the makings of a "normal" relationship) and then yesterday she tells me she's leaving in a week and a half and won't be back till september (it's ironic because i met her really near where i live. . . like walking distance. . . that was certainly a good feature- proximity). I just smiled. It made sense once again: liking someone unavailable.

but it isn't all bad news. i'm looking at it positively. Way back the first emo-unavailable/geo-unavailable girl i dated left no chance for any kind of availability. . . she decided she liked where she was at and also never effectively communicated. if we fast-forward a bit there was the 'hot and cold' girl, then the 'i want you as more than a friend. . . no wait, i don't like men' girl, then the 'i really connect with you and am leaving basically forever' girl and finally this new one.

you might all see a trend, i see progress. the emo-unavailability isn't always a factor anymore; geography is taking its problematic hold. moreover, even the geographical unavailability if bound by shorter and shorter time periods. . . yep, it seems availability is somewhere around the corner.

but i'll ride this one out for the next week and a bit, have some fun, share some laughs and ultimately leave a door open. i can't say whether it'd work or whether we're a good fit but i enjoy my time with her so i'll live it up. . . and maybe at a later date we'll resume/start again under conditions of availability.

footing on a slippery slope

i've had some recent conversations with a friend of mine who discovered she is too interpersonally permissive. after the realization, she labeled it as a fault. i told her it wasn't and that she just needed to find someone who wouldn't abuse that tendency.
a few days later she reiterated the link between permissiveness and fault and again i stuck up for it. it isn't that it bothered me at the time, rather that i was unsettled by the truth in her assertion.
Permissiveness is on the 'acceptance' continuum at one end whereas intolerance is at the other. i'm quite permissive; "people will always be who they want / and that's what really makes the world go round" - D Marley. the problem is that people can take advantage of it and that most people don't adhere to understanding and acceptance. rigid structure and shame organize and build foundations better than iron and concrete.

but i can't get with that. just can't. maybe permissive is the wrong word. i've gotten to thinking and it isn't my permissiveness that gets me, rather my care. once i care, i'm totally willing to put the wants and needs of others ahead of my own. . . i even do it unprompted and (sometimes) when the other person wants me to act selfishly. this attitude shocks others. people usually commend me on it but it isn't all scented oils and treasure.

many others don't adopt my outlook/disposition (i'm not critical of it on an individual basis as it is a personal choice) and problems arise when you're looking out for others but they (in general) don't/can't do the same for you. It makes it a one-way street of abuse. it means you consistently come in second even if getting into first would've been easy. it's thoroughly un-self-serving.

in a way what people have to give is the inverse of what they permit; you give what you insist on more than you give through inaction. It's a hard relationship to grasp since one might reason that selflessness and acceptance yield the interest, orientation and content of all giving. that's untrue. they allow you to give but in such a way as to never take a bit back to give more; you're always the support, never the free-standing structure. you're behind the scenes, you're a stand-in whenever you're needed.

and your needs? you handle all the ones you can and trudge along without the ones you're missing.

lastly, 2 bad C words/concepts inspired by the disapproval of uninspiring girls more interested in the status quo than anything else:
-conformity
-conservativism

(for the record they proposed 3: cunt, cock and camel-toe. . . we see why i didn't get along. . . cunt and camel-toe are vag and, properly maintained, who doesn't like that? Cock, well, i hear many people are fans. . .)
-coercion