distance education

Distance separates point A from B
a synonym for perspective
placing between you and I
a made up space of nowhere

So I'm moving back shortly but to something else. I've learned some important truths for myself here. I'll take some people and lessons with me, changing me.
It's hard to say where I want to be. Hard to determine if it's a place at all. Where is just a word, a label. Returning, I feel as though the world is rotating and I'm standing still, stagnant and dying. Before I was moving against the grain, pulling against myself. Now I feel like I'm absolute zero. A friend once reminded me that stagnant water breeds algae; life manages to develop even when you seemingly aren't. Algae doesn't grow in absolute zero; everything stops and energy lays dormant.
It's fucked past blood stains and chocolate, beyond the irascible or the logical. I know what I want to do and am trying to navigate that path. I'm setting that in motion, closing the distance. Maybe closing myself too? Do I really want my future right now? I'm stagnant and moving, doing what I want for myself but wondering if I'm worth my own effort. Is it freezing me? That's a real-talk question.
I'm convinced what I'm doing is right for me (that's certain; it is how I want to contribute). I'm just not certain if I want to contribute/be on the path towards future contribution right now. What about wasting time, watching it exhale into the atmosphere? What about an attack on the conscience of production? How about walking a straight line to a recurring wave crashing on predecessors?
A different friend asked me recently if I wanted to be going to school. I told him I knew what I wanted to do and how to go about it. He stopped asking questions but is clever enough to see that I didn't answer what he asked. I know the lifestyle and accessories school provides. I know where it goes, how it works and what I need to do to work it. I know the cold and warmth of quiet nights, the angst and joy of loud ones, the smiles and scowls of stress and the ineffectual atmosphere of learning. There's a comfort there that I'm distanced from right now and I wonder if the distance is a better educator than a return to what's known.
Cynicism about cellphonelike-daddybuyme-ohmygod-itssoawesome types left aside, I wonder whether I'm moving (in a circle or ahead) or if I've stopped. There isn't anything wrong with circles, just that after rounding it one way for five years maybe I should round it differently. Maybe. . . but I won't.
It's who I am. I still like myself and won't fix what isn't broken. Nor will I break it. But is that a cover to simply retard it, to limit where it goes and stifle what it might become? Don't we all suffocate some potential with each decision made?
I'm trying to put myself in questionable situations, trying to push a moral calculus towards integration rather than derivation (but they're related, one the inverse of the other). Maybe that's a bad approach. Maybe I should sit back and let the world push me? Is that stagnant or is that mobile? Can I have that doing what I'm doing?