no means no except from me to myself

So that whole 'giving up women' failed last week. It resulted in a terribly unfulfilling episode. After work one night (4am), I took home a physically-stunning barbie-clone. Aside from her being blonde, she was exactly my physical type (although I'd guess she'd be every guy's type). I was tired and ealier that night I had refused her advances; i certainly wasn't trying to get any nor did i want some. But then again when things just fall in your lap sometimes you feel guilty for not taking them and also feel guilty since other guys would shank you for the opportunity to be in your skin. Damn social pressure.
So i took her home, cleaned myself up a bit, chatted with her, then went to bed. I'm not joking when i say that i was too tired to fuck. But of course somehow that didn't stop me from thinking otherwise (granted i wasn't thinking with the right head). We fooled around for about an hour. It was pretty good. She clawed, squeezed, moaned and obscenetied her way into leaving me with bruises, scratch marks and desire. i went down on her but she was feeling guilty about it; she didn't think it fair that only she get hers (I thought it was fair; she was totally groomed and it may have been the best oral (giving) experience of my life. . . which says a lot because I'm all about that given decent conditions). Truth told, had she felt no guilt and had it stopped after she got hers the experience would have been satisfying and remembered fondly.
Nope, she wasn't having that. It took a bad turn when she started coercing me with raw sex. . . at that point somehow I figured that although i wanted nothing i'd put on a condom just in case (by this point- 7am- I was so tired this logic made sense. . . note to self: when you put on a condom with a hot naked girl in your bed there's no way sex isn'y happening).
We started. She may have been scorching-hot but she lacked rhythm and riding skills. . . this just meant more work for me. Sadly, there was nothing left in the tank. I went at it for a bit, trying to give whatever I had to her, but I wasn't in a position to give anything.
Take that both literally and figuratively.

How tired was I you might ask?
i was so tired i didn't even think of turning her around and hitting it from the back. . . and i'm all about that. The idea didn't occur to me despite her spectacular ass. All i wanted was to have all of my eyes closed and resting.
i also didn't take pictures. I usually don't but her body was so perfect it'd be the type of shot you'd look back on and be like "damn fantastic. kudos to myself".
That makes me 0-2 in common sex-sense with a big zero in the finishing department. maybe it's upsetting because I won't get another chance to do what, uhhh, comes easily to everyone else.

On a larger scale it's troubling that i can't listen to myself. I know I'm not looking for cheap sex. I'm really not. i even tried to pass it up. Somehow i just couldn't listen to that internal compass. i'm sticking to my "no fried foods or overeating" but both of these are miniscule when compared to the much larger "don't fuck until you know where your head's at".
Even my regrets are split between carnal and personal concerns. . . something's gotta give.