lifeguarding the tea leaves

The above title is a little misleading. Today at work i had to frantically find a replacement lifeguard for the person who was supposed to work. He landed in the hospital last night and is still there. Everyone i've seen on campus (who knows him) is nervous. That's understandable. Then there's a different person who brought teas to me because she promised she would after she and i danced recently. She came in with 10 differnt types of tisane. One is for meditation. i'm not sure how it'll taste but it's brewing right now. . .

Back to the title. Back to meditation.
Sometimes reading the tea leaves is a bad thing. Sometimes guarding your mental sanity (lifeguarding) involves neglecting the leaves and enjoying the fleeting tastes while they're still in your cup. Wondering where they're from and what they mean (especially when the tea is done) can just be painful.

i guess we read the tea leaves when comunication isn't getting across what someone wants/needs to know. It's prediction. It's an imperfect science.

For the past few months i've been oscillating between moving on and pining for someone. i don't see how it could work out (thus trying to move on) but i still feel a certain way (thus the pining). i think what's getting me the most is that i've got these contrasting impulses and i have no way of contextualizing them; i'm not sure what's up with her on this front.

i don't want to ask because (a) she could share it if she wanted to, (b) she hasn't really shared that sort of stuff with me in the past (we had a mildly frustrating "just go with it, don't talk about it" policy that set the dynamic) and (c) i might not want to hear her side (which is ironic since i'm already assuming that it can't work out and confirming that wouldn't make things any worse in actuality). i'm also aware of the absurdity of my position; i'm not willing to communicate since she won't but i'm not sure she won't if i ask her to. I just won't ask her to. This predicament, therefore, is of my own doing.

i don't want to ask her to talk like that because it isn't something she needs to do. i have this sense that it won't help her in the present. i also don't want her saying things in any way other than in a most direct manner (irrespective of the consequences); I know she cares and sometimes when people care they say things in a sugar-coated way. That really wouldn't help me. Moreover she's finally happy now and i don't want to bring her down at all.

Lastly, quickly and totally on an unrelated note, why are some people so daft? i got attitude from someone i know fairly recently for doing sometime that (a) wasn't wrong or improper in any way and that (b) she did to me a week or two earlier. i didn't mind when it happened to me; i understand people have priorities and her decisions reflect those priorities.
i swear that's one of the things that i dislike about this person: there's a huge disparity between her own behaviour and her expectations of the behaviour of others. She's always been bad at understanding that sometimes you can't come first (she's never even been very good at expressing that she wants to come first either). She didn't bother to find out why i did what i did (i was pressed for time, had too many commitments and couldn't do everything i would have liked to do. . . her attitude was totally uncalled for considering i actually managed to (theoretically) accomodate her. . . her own schedule and lifestyle led to her having the issue with me that she had). Overall i'm fine with it and i'm not looking for an apology but she should really learn to check herself before the claws come out.